Addressing the Heart of the Behaviors

Recently, my son was given an outdoor chore but he didn't feel like obeying.  He heard the exact instructions but chose to pout and grumble on the patio by the barbecue, shielding himself from the wind.  He didn't like the wind that day, forgetting he had played in outside in the wind the day before.

After giving him several warnings, I called him out of hiding and carefully weighed my options.  I could wage war on his actions and ground him for life, come unglued, or immaturely bully him into performance, throwing down the 'parenting card' as an excuse for lashing out in frustration.  After all, I'm the parent, right?  I'm the boss!  The truth about negative emotions is that they always beget more negative emotions.  I honestly don't have the energy for that...

I needed to be smarter about this.  Logic would appeal to his intellect but more importantly, practicing self-control would demonstrate godly character and be an exercise for us both in conflict resolution.  And isn't that what is more important anyway?  As parents we desire to send children into the world as adults who know how to resolve conflict, recognize truth, and practice self control.

photo: pixabay

It was time to simply address the truth. 

It was time to address the sin that was causing turmoil. 

Sin is basically defined as missing the mark.  There's a bulls eye and it's missed.  The instant we choose self, engage our negative behaviors, disregard others, or allow our pride to take over is the moment we cripple ourselves and become less that who we are meant to be.  We want to put sin on a scale and say that some are worse but the deal is this; if you miss the mark, you miss the mark.  Sin is sin.  And we all do it.  

As a parent, my tenancy has been to address the side effects of sin -impatience, rudeness, unkindness, demanding tones, condescending words, etc, yet addressing the root of the problem is vital.  If you can address the root issue, the symptoms begin to wither.

As parents, we have to help our kids weed the gardens of their hearts.  We can simply pluck the leaves off the weed and allow the root to remain and thus grow stronger or we can identify and dig out the sinful issues of the heart before they bloom, replant themselves, and take over in an ugly crop of pride and entitlement.  

Sin doesn't like exposure.  It likes to stay hidden behind blaming, denial, and anger because once it's exposed, a choice has to be made.  A choice to continue in hurtfulness or a choice to change course which requires humility, seeking forgiveness, and moving towards restoration.  This is a daunting task for anyone.

photo: pixabay

Me. "Baby, your actions communicate rebelliousness towards me and pride in your heart.  This is sin.  This is what is causing you to be angry, defensive, and disrespectful.  Your heart is choosing sin but it doesn't have to.  You can choose to ask forgiveness, ask God to change your heart, then choose to act differently.  Should you continue to sin, your consequences will be..."

They Don't Know What They Don't Know....

We're all in process, which means that everyone you know and everyone I know is in process.  Neither you nor I know anyone who has it all figured out.

I have to keep this in mind as I'm discussing parenting with new parents, marriage with newlyweds, and healthy choices with the emotionally derailed.  I assume a lot when I think they already have the answers, thus I'm hesitant to address issues, even when asked.  Shocking, I know.

But in my attempt to avoid addressing the obvious, I miss the obvious - they simply aren't aware of the obvious because they haven't learned the obvious.  And because I don't address the obvious, I fail to teach well.

The easy but overlooked solution (one that I'm currently working through in my heart) is to ask more questions to find out what people really know, understand, what solutions they've tried, what personality, strengths, and style they bring to the table.  And because I don't ask questions and because I don't want to make them feel dumb, I don't say anything.

And that's super helpful.  I've just inspired, challenged, and invested in....  well, no one really.

Better yet, this same "don't share policy" (the one that is fruitless) is what I have to fight against in my parenting, which is strange, as I see myself as an extremely wordy over-sharer with passionate convictions.  (It's okay to agree- I can't see your facial expressions anyway.)

WHY do I do this?!?

For whatever reason, as our kids become teenagers, I've observed two knee-jerk reactions, 1) we become controlling and accusational which shuts off the relationship or, 2) we invest less personally and expect our teens to figure it out (which is what I'm addressing here today).

As they practice adulthood, they need us the most!   Maybe we're mentally thrown off when they get tall and their voices change.  They like little grown ups yet they simply lack the maturity and experiences that we have.

And yet I have struggled with sharing my personal life lessons and experiences.  Maybe I'm still learning from my past.  Maybe I fear talking too much and being tuned out.  Maybe I disdain my own vulnerability.  Maybe I don't ask the right questions to open the doors to deeper conversations.  Maybe I'm less approachable than I think I am.  Maybe I'm still exhausted from parenting my boys as toddlers.  I'm pretty sure potty training and cheerios took a toll on my sanity.

 I know many parents who hesitate to speak into their teens life because of the mistakes they themselves made.  So what?  Don't we all make mistakes?  The reason we survived our stupidity is to save others from theirs.  Right?

"Despite the wise counselling against sticking a fork in my eye, 

I did it anyway.  Now I wear an eye patch so I really am not 

the person to counsel others against sticking forks in their eyes."  

Whaaa....?

Now if you walked around with a fork and continued damaging your body, I would say that hypocrisy could be an issue.  As well as stupidity.  But that's a different blog.

Grieving Growing Up

This past week marked my oldest son's first week of high school and I'm swimming in grief.  I'm grieving that the past three years of middle school went too fast.  I'm grieving that my homeschool moments with him are over.

Running midday errands.  

Lunch dates and Costco samples.  

Discussing life and sharing jokes in the car.

Learning new things together.

We had all the time in the world.  Or so it seemed at the time.  

I'm grieving not having his random hugs or jokes throughout the day.  He placed fingerprints of random laughter and joking on the intense to-do's of my daily schedule.  I'm grieving the "Hey mom...?" that was normally followed by a request to make cookies or watch a Netflix documentary which counted as 'school'.

I'm grieving time gone yet well spent.  

I'm grieving the fact that I'm not more mature.  If I had a bad day when the boys were little, I'd console myself with the reality that they were too young to remember.  Now my 'off days' or bad moods are felt by the boys as the thunderstorms they are.  So perhaps I'm grieving that I haven't arrived at the stage of perfect parenting yet.  Not that I ever will but I kinda hoped I would.  For my boys' sake.  I'm delighted with the relationships I have with them yet hoped they would receive more from me than they have.  I just haven't had enough time to grow up completely yet.  I'm working on it though.  Actually, God's still working on me and he'll never give up!  Thank goodness for that!

Most expectations parents place on themselves are as deceiving as baby skunks - cute, fluffy, and unintimidating yet rank when examined up close.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed." - Alexander Pope

While this quote is true in most instances, there are many expectations we don't realize as such.  They simply exist.  They are the ideals we strive for with larger purposes and goals in mind for our families.  So we hold fast to routines, address needs, and steward our resources.

Savings accounts.

Regular family dinners and game nights.

Holiday traditions.

Date nights.

Freezer meals.

Weeding.

Exercise.

Growing old friends.  Making new ones.

Tune ups.

Braces.

Sports camps.

College.

Life truly lived is pregnant with expectation.  Eager anticipation.  Hopefulness. Discontentedness with mediocrity.

And with that, I look forward to this next chapter of life recognizing that I don't have the luxury of dancing through memory-making moments.  I have to steal them, own them, growth them, and guard them from life's seemingly important busyness- a parent's fiercest competitor.

And at the same time, this chapter will also teach me how to slowly let go - provide more opportunities for responsibility and freedom, encourage bravery in new ventures, display a godly life more with my actions and less with my lectures.   And I'm excited to see the outcome.  I'm excited to see how he steps up to the plate.  I'm excited to see the fruit of our parental investments into his character, decision-making, truth speaking, and gracious loving of others.  I'm excited to see how the power of the gospel will continue to change his life just as it continuously changes mine.

So forward we march...




More interesting resources:
5 Ways We Experience the Gospel in Community - by The Resurgence
Gospel Presentation - Like You've Never Seen It Before - by Matt Chandler  (2 minute YouTube video)
The Power of The Gospel - Sermon by Tim Keller