I have to keep this in mind as I'm discussing parenting with new parents, marriage with newlyweds, and healthy choices with the emotionally derailed. I assume a lot when I think they already have the answers, thus I'm hesitant to address issues, even when asked. Shocking, I know.
But in my attempt to avoid addressing the obvious, I miss the obvious - they simply aren't aware of the obvious because they haven't learned the obvious. And because I don't address the obvious, I fail to teach well.
The easy but overlooked solution (one that I'm currently working through in my heart) is to ask more questions to find out what people really know, understand, what solutions they've tried, what personality, strengths, and style they bring to the table. And because I don't ask questions and because I don't want to make them feel dumb, I don't say anything.
And that's super helpful. I've just inspired, challenged, and invested in.... well, no one really.
Better yet, this same "don't share policy" (the one that is fruitless) is what I have to fight against in my parenting, which is strange, as I see myself as an extremely wordy over-sharer with passionate convictions. (It's okay to agree- I can't see your facial expressions anyway.)
WHY do I do this?!?
But in my attempt to avoid addressing the obvious, I miss the obvious - they simply aren't aware of the obvious because they haven't learned the obvious. And because I don't address the obvious, I fail to teach well.
The easy but overlooked solution (one that I'm currently working through in my heart) is to ask more questions to find out what people really know, understand, what solutions they've tried, what personality, strengths, and style they bring to the table. And because I don't ask questions and because I don't want to make them feel dumb, I don't say anything.
And that's super helpful. I've just inspired, challenged, and invested in.... well, no one really.
Better yet, this same "don't share policy" (the one that is fruitless) is what I have to fight against in my parenting, which is strange, as I see myself as an extremely wordy over-sharer with passionate convictions. (It's okay to agree- I can't see your facial expressions anyway.)
WHY do I do this?!?
For whatever reason, as our kids become teenagers, I've observed two knee-jerk reactions, 1) we become controlling and accusational which shuts off the relationship or, 2) we invest less personally and expect our teens to figure it out (which is what I'm addressing here today).
As they practice adulthood, they need us the most! Maybe we're mentally thrown off when they get tall and their voices change. They like little grown ups yet they simply lack the maturity and experiences that we have.
And yet I have struggled with sharing my personal life lessons and experiences. Maybe I'm still learning from my past. Maybe I fear talking too much and being tuned out. Maybe I disdain my own vulnerability. Maybe I don't ask the right questions to open the doors to deeper conversations. Maybe I'm less approachable than I think I am. Maybe I'm still exhausted from parenting my boys as toddlers. I'm pretty sure potty training and cheerios took a toll on my sanity.
As they practice adulthood, they need us the most! Maybe we're mentally thrown off when they get tall and their voices change. They like little grown ups yet they simply lack the maturity and experiences that we have.
And yet I have struggled with sharing my personal life lessons and experiences. Maybe I'm still learning from my past. Maybe I fear talking too much and being tuned out. Maybe I disdain my own vulnerability. Maybe I don't ask the right questions to open the doors to deeper conversations. Maybe I'm less approachable than I think I am. Maybe I'm still exhausted from parenting my boys as toddlers. I'm pretty sure potty training and cheerios took a toll on my sanity.
I know many parents who hesitate to speak into their teens life because of the mistakes they themselves made. So what? Don't we all make mistakes? The reason we survived our stupidity is to save others from theirs. Right?
Whaaa....?
Now if you walked around with a fork and continued damaging your body, I would say that hypocrisy could be an issue. As well as stupidity. But that's a different blog.
Other signs of hypocrisy could be if you have regular violent outbursts yet demand peaceful interactions between your kids. Or if you habitually over-consume alcohol yet preach moderation as a lifestyle - for when they are adults, of course. Or if you continuously cuss yet demand clean language from your kids. Or if you watch questionable material on television and wonder why your kid has an infatuation with violence, sexuality, or unhealthy situations ... or...? What is your lifestyle teaching them?
Granted, we are all flawed and continuously make mistakes. But the question is whether we are learning from and moving past habitual ones. I would say that it's good, healthy even, for our kids to see us own our mistakes, apologize, and take continuous steps to eliminate destructive, unhealthy, and immature behaviors and patterns. It teaches them to do the same.
My boys are so gracious to me when I come to them with a humble heart and apologize for messing up and ask for their forgiveness. I then explain how I'm going to work on this area in the future. And you better believe that once I say I'm going to do something, they are watching for follow thru.
I'm not seeking their approval. I know who I am without fearing their opinion.
I'm not seeking their friendship as they have plenty of friends - what they need are parents.
I'm not cowering or displaying self-loathing in order to seek pity or attention.
I am seeking a deep and meaningful, heart-level, gut-wrenchingly honest relationship with the boys God has entrusted to me. I want them to feel free to ask me hard questions and they can expect that I'll do the same. We're growing each other up.
I want them to see strength blended with honesty and transparency and know that I'll extend grace to them and desire that they do the same. I want them to see us, their parents, learning from their own mistakes and moving forward in life. I want them to see that our private lives have the same standards as our public ones.
Disclaimer: It's also our responsibility as parents to use discretion. Modest answers that are honest and point our kids in the right direction are the answers we should strive for. We want them to focus on the right things, not give them ammo for future attacks against our character (which can always happen-its our job to have an appropriate response ready) or cause more confusion. Our replies should be a bouquet of transparency and teaching.
Bottom line: They don't know what they don't know. They don't know what we aren't willing to humbly teach them.
It's our privilege and responsibility to teach them exactly
"Despite the wise counselling against sticking a fork in my eye,
I did it anyway. Now I wear an eye patch so I really am not
the person to counsel others against sticking forks in their eyes."
Whaaa....?
Now if you walked around with a fork and continued damaging your body, I would say that hypocrisy could be an issue. As well as stupidity. But that's a different blog.
Other signs of hypocrisy could be if you have regular violent outbursts yet demand peaceful interactions between your kids. Or if you habitually over-consume alcohol yet preach moderation as a lifestyle - for when they are adults, of course. Or if you continuously cuss yet demand clean language from your kids. Or if you watch questionable material on television and wonder why your kid has an infatuation with violence, sexuality, or unhealthy situations ... or...? What is your lifestyle teaching them?
Granted, we are all flawed and continuously make mistakes. But the question is whether we are learning from and moving past habitual ones. I would say that it's good, healthy even, for our kids to see us own our mistakes, apologize, and take continuous steps to eliminate destructive, unhealthy, and immature behaviors and patterns. It teaches them to do the same.
My boys are so gracious to me when I come to them with a humble heart and apologize for messing up and ask for their forgiveness. I then explain how I'm going to work on this area in the future. And you better believe that once I say I'm going to do something, they are watching for follow thru.
I'm not seeking their approval. I know who I am without fearing their opinion.
I'm not seeking their friendship as they have plenty of friends - what they need are parents.
I'm not cowering or displaying self-loathing in order to seek pity or attention.
I'm being real.
I am seeking a deep and meaningful, heart-level, gut-wrenchingly honest relationship with the boys God has entrusted to me. I want them to feel free to ask me hard questions and they can expect that I'll do the same. We're growing each other up.
I want them to see strength blended with honesty and transparency and know that I'll extend grace to them and desire that they do the same. I want them to see us, their parents, learning from their own mistakes and moving forward in life. I want them to see that our private lives have the same standards as our public ones.
Ah, the mind of an idealist.
Disclaimer: It's also our responsibility as parents to use discretion. Modest answers that are honest and point our kids in the right direction are the answers we should strive for. We want them to focus on the right things, not give them ammo for future attacks against our character (which can always happen-its our job to have an appropriate response ready) or cause more confusion. Our replies should be a bouquet of transparency and teaching.
Bottom line: They don't know what they don't know. They don't know what we aren't willing to humbly teach them.
They don't know how to gain from our losses,
learn from our mistakes,
and win because of our defeats -
unless we say something.
It's our privilege and responsibility to teach them exactly
what they don't know...
No comments:
Post a Comment