This is the end of his 7th grade year and despite a couple little run-in's here and there, I was beginning to think that middle school years would be a breeze. We had this one in the bag. Then again, we thought this same thing when he, our firstborn, adapted so easily to a sleeping schedule. We thought we were parenting ninjas. We must have read the right books and went to the right classes. We couldn't understand why other parents struggled to get sleep. Then we had our second son and I haven't slept since.
The past couple months have ushered in a new parenting season where boundaries are tested and attitudes smell like old shoes. Due to consistent bad choices, we grounded him from friends, video games, television, his phone, and computer time. Yet we allowed him to find things to entertain himself after completing his schoolwork. This didn't work out so well. He kept finding trouble.
We came to the conclusion that we had made his life too comfortable, even while being grounded and it was time to get his attention.
I've heard of parents stripping their teen's room of everything but a bed and clothing in an effort to get their attention because nothing else worked. This sounded super extreme. Like these parents obviously weren't reading the right books or going to the right classes. Sure enough, we found ourselves packing up all the contents of his room including the wall hangings and a shriveled spider plant. We left his pillow, blanket and school books in an effort to ransom his comforts.
We decided to monopolize his time with household chores and if his attitude was pleasant, he could slowly earn back his bedroom comforts. One at a time. And he did.... for a couple days.
The past week hasn't been so successful. This brings Cliff and I together for regular parenting meetings to address daily challenges What tasks do we give him today? What does he earn back? What will he do when we have a family outing later to a friend's house? Can we really disconnect internet and cable throughout the whole house every time we leave? How should we respond when he's quietly defiant? Or openly defiant?
While we answer each of these questions one at a time while trying to maintain consistency and following through with our word, we still feel like we're paddling stormy seas. But we know what the shore looks like and it's worth paddling towards, even if it takes years to get there. These are life lessons that I'd rather him learn under our roof than in the real world.
We know the shore holds a young man with character and integrity because he learned to follow through, even when he didn't feel like it. The shore holds a young man who appreciates the blessings he has in life because he knows that with one dumb move, he could lose it all. The shore holds a young man who knows he's loved, not because of how he acts or because he's earned it, but because of who he is.
And this is where I struggle.
As his mother, I'm used to having a sweet, happy little guy follow me around cracking jokes. I'm not accustomed to brooding defiance and mumbling. Of course, I would probably brood and mumble if I was grounded from everything but oxygen. As an adult, I would work as hard as possible to earn it all back but this may not have been the case when I was in middle school. I honestly can't remember. And I was a second child. A second child's goal in life is to please their parents (usually) in order to make the oldest child look bad. Good old sibling rivalry.
Riece just doesn't want his privileges back enough to fight for them. Yet. So until he does, he broods and mumbles. And I struggle with how to best love him through this.
I don't want him to ever think our love is based on his pleasing us. Because it's not. I don't want him to perform for our affection. I don't want him to feel that he has to earn love and until he does, he's unlovable. In moments of frustration and anger, I struggle to 'feel' loving. But feelings can't be trusted, especially when they collide with truth. The truth is that I love my kid. So I choose to act on truth, not feelings. (At least this is my goal and I have to remind myself to act accordingly.)
I choose to find things to compliment and affirm. I choose to ask about his friends from school, his classes, and what books he's currently reading. I choose to reach out and spontaneously hug him and tell him I love him, even when I don't feel like it. Even when he doesn't deserve it. Even when my heart is discouraged and weary and I'd rather hide in my reading chair with a good book and a glass of red while listening to Melody Gardot.
My love isn't the absence of consequences. My love isn't erasing his wrongs. My love isn't forgetting what's transpired. My love is a demonstration of my flawed self accepting his flawed self, just as he is. Because God told us to. Even if we don't feel like it. And by affirming our love for each other, God blesses us with peace even in the midst of the storms. Even when we don't deserve it.
Proverbs 3:3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers a multitude of sins.
Resources you may enjoy:
*30 Tips for Raising Middle-Schoolers from Family Life
*Making Wise Decisions During Conflicts from Focus on the Family
*Boundaries with Teens - Audio book on Youtube.com by Zondervan
*Video Advice from Cloud & Townsend (authors of 'Boundaries')
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