Addressing the Heart of the Behaviors

Recently, my son was given an outdoor chore but he didn't feel like obeying.  He heard the exact instructions but chose to pout and grumble on the patio by the barbecue, shielding himself from the wind.  He didn't like the wind that day, forgetting he had played in outside in the wind the day before.

After giving him several warnings, I called him out of hiding and carefully weighed my options.  I could wage war on his actions and ground him for life, come unglued, or immaturely bully him into performance, throwing down the 'parenting card' as an excuse for lashing out in frustration.  After all, I'm the parent, right?  I'm the boss!  The truth about negative emotions is that they always beget more negative emotions.  I honestly don't have the energy for that...

I needed to be smarter about this.  Logic would appeal to his intellect but more importantly, practicing self-control would demonstrate godly character and be an exercise for us both in conflict resolution.  And isn't that what is more important anyway?  As parents we desire to send children into the world as adults who know how to resolve conflict, recognize truth, and practice self control.

photo: pixabay

It was time to simply address the truth. 

It was time to address the sin that was causing turmoil. 

Sin is basically defined as missing the mark.  There's a bulls eye and it's missed.  The instant we choose self, engage our negative behaviors, disregard others, or allow our pride to take over is the moment we cripple ourselves and become less that who we are meant to be.  We want to put sin on a scale and say that some are worse but the deal is this; if you miss the mark, you miss the mark.  Sin is sin.  And we all do it.  

As a parent, my tenancy has been to address the side effects of sin -impatience, rudeness, unkindness, demanding tones, condescending words, etc, yet addressing the root of the problem is vital.  If you can address the root issue, the symptoms begin to wither.

As parents, we have to help our kids weed the gardens of their hearts.  We can simply pluck the leaves off the weed and allow the root to remain and thus grow stronger or we can identify and dig out the sinful issues of the heart before they bloom, replant themselves, and take over in an ugly crop of pride and entitlement.  

Sin doesn't like exposure.  It likes to stay hidden behind blaming, denial, and anger because once it's exposed, a choice has to be made.  A choice to continue in hurtfulness or a choice to change course which requires humility, seeking forgiveness, and moving towards restoration.  This is a daunting task for anyone.

photo: pixabay

Me. "Baby, your actions communicate rebelliousness towards me and pride in your heart.  This is sin.  This is what is causing you to be angry, defensive, and disrespectful.  Your heart is choosing sin but it doesn't have to.  You can choose to ask forgiveness, ask God to change your heart, then choose to act differently.  Should you continue to sin, your consequences will be..."


He stopped dead in his tracks.  No one likes the truth applied to their life.  Simply stating the facts took way less time than a normal parenting rampage which my son would forget in about 15 seconds anyway.

I wish I could say that the story ends there with his rebellious spirit asking for forgiveness (perhaps a few pleading tears shed), forgiveness and peace extended, and the chores perfectly completed.  Unity.  Peace.

Right.  

The reality was that I had to hold to my guns without allowing my emotions to rule.  Consequences were doled out.  But this is parenting.  I'll have to repeat myself 50 million more times.  If he learns that I hold to my guns, he's less likely to push me as hard the next time.  Ideally.

One of the hardest things for me to do as a parent was to begin addressing and confessing the sin in my own heart, thus setting the example.  It's not natural for people to confess, practice humility, and serve others.  Our nature wants us to demand our own way, be prideful, and be selfish.  I have have yet to see where this works out well in any relationship.  This is why God calls us to a higher standard.  He knows that selfishness never works.

This is my regular confession...  "I'm sorry.  I was wrong in how I treated you.  My pride was damaged and I snapped at you in anger.  I'm so sorry for hurting you.  Will you please forgive me?" 

Ouch.  Rest assured, the conversation doesn't end there.  Sometimes I address my miscommunication in speaking or listening, I'll share my feelings towards what was said, I'll seek clarification, and will usually try to come up with a game plan for the next round knowing that this conversation may take place over and over again as we all learn humility, grace, and forgiveness together, depending on the time and situation, of course!

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm no saint.  I struggle with sarcasm (shocker), frustration, and impatience after having to address situations multiple times.  And there are times, yes - it's true, that I yell.  It's ugly so I try not to.

As a mom, it would delight my heart to have a family marked by humble and loving hearts that are quick to love, quick to apologize, and quick to forgive.  But this means that I have to start with me.  It means I'm going to get it wrong sometimes.  It means that they'll still see me make mistakes.  It means that I'll have to be more self-aware in how I react in situations.  But it also gets easier every time.

But the payoff for the hard work is tremendous.

Pride isolates.  Humility brings understanding.

Bitterness poisons.  Forgiveness brings freedom.

Selfishness hurts.  Selflessness brings unity.

Defensiveness guards.  Transparency opens.

Rage brings pain.  Love brings healing.

We all have choices to make.
We have the freedom to choose love.
We have the freedom to choose healing.
We have the freedom to choose unity.

photo: pixabay

But we also have the freedom to choose sin.  Sin enslaves us to our own emotions and we have to ask ourselves,

"Is it really worth it?"  

"What in life is most valuable to me?"

"How do I want others to respond, 

based on the example that I set?"

"What type of legacy am I leaving?"

Question: (reply in the comments section below) Why do you think practicing humility as a parent is so hard in our culture?

  
Resources:
*Leadership Tool (article) -  Level 5 Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve, by Jim Collins
*Relationship Tool (ebook -read pages now!) Love as a Way of Life; Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life, by Gary Chapman
*Parenting Tool (article) - What is the Goal of Your Parenting? by Cloud-Townsend Resources  - this whole site is fantastic offering free videos, articles and resources on numerous spiritual, relational, and emotional topics.